Being Happy with Yourself After Separation

In among more practical issues, there's one thing that happens after separation that strikes you immediately, although you probably don't even consider it beforehand.

You're on your own. You're alone. For some it might be the first time in years. For others, who married and moved in with a partner directly from living with their parents, it might be the first time ever. Whatever the situation, it can seem daunting and often quite scary. Even if you'd felt isolated in your relationship, this is entirely different. It's you and the four walls. The trick is in learning how to be happy with yourself.

The First Steps

Initially, being on your own can seem like heady freedom. To those who've felt trapped before, life can suddenly seem to open up. But for those who didn't want a relationship to end, being on their own can seem depressing and as confining as prison.

Some will use their time to go out and try and relive or regain their adolescence, having a wild time, while others will only emerge to go to work or run errands. The secret lies in finding a balance - a life - that lies in the middle, a place where you feel comfortable and content.

That doesn't mean that, to begin at least, you shouldn't allow yourself some indulgences, in either direction, although excesses are never a good idea. Don't lose track of your good friends, make the time to see them.

Keep up with the activities and interests you had before separation. Don't withdraw from the world. It's key not to feel sorry for yourself and slide into depression, but that's quite easy to do.

If you're outgoing by nature, then spending time alone can be frustrating. For introverts it can be pleasurable. However, whichever side of that fence is yours, it's something you're going to do, and it can be pleasurable. The old saying that you can't love someone else until you love yourself may be a cliché, but it's one because it's true.

You need to be happy with your own company and emotionally self-sufficient before you can really enter into another relationship, at least without it being dependent or destructive, neither of which are good.

Make your new place comfortable, whether it's a room or a whole house. It should reflect your personality, and the longer you're there, the more touches you should add until it feels like home, a place you want to be, rather than one that just contains you. Add to it regularly, whether it's pictures, knickknacks or furniture. The items don't have to be expensive, just things that please you.

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Moving Ahead

Develop a social circle. It can be people from work, old friends, those you know with similar interests, even people from a group for separated and divorced people. Have three or four different circles of friends if possible.

That doesn't mean you need to be out all the time. You also need time alone. Slowly you'll become used to it, cooking for yourself (if you can't already, learn basic cooking, rather than existing on ready meals or takeaways; if nothing else it's a lot cheaper!), maybe reading more, or going for walks. It gives you a chance to relax and, even on a subconscious level, come to terms with your new situation.

It can take a while to establish the balance between social and alone time, but both are equally important. Becoming happy with yourself isn't something that happens overnight. Getting over a relationship is a journey, and it can easily take two years before you're fully on an even keel again and content with yourself and your life.

That's the time when you can move on and begin a new relationship with an open heart. But you may find that, once you're happy on your own, you feel no rush to do that.